What a life this is turning out to be!

Hey all you out there!

I am back from a long break from blogging. I was initially planning on sharing more of my experiences from Israel, but right now I feel a little differently. I guess that I have just been having a weird time in my life, and I don't exactly know why. My family is getting ready for some remodling on my house, my grandmother just moved here from California, and other weird things. I have a set of really good friends and I feel like even though I am still really close to all of them, that they are falling a little away from each other. I also am worried that my boyfriend (who means SO much to me) may not be as into our relationship as he was in the beginning, and the person that I have always felt that I could talk to about things like that, well, I guess that I feel like I can't tell her that for no good reason. I don't know why I can't just tell her. Is it because I am insecure, or because I am embarrassed about my insecurities, or because I feel like she is going to tell me that I am just making it up and I am going to feel stupid, or maybe because I feel like if I say it out loud that it makes it true. I don't know!!

I really don't know what to do about anything that is going on in my life, it feels like I am losing all my control that I once had and that I no longer hold the horse's reins, and that the horse is holding mine. And not only is the horse holding my reins, but the horse is runnign with them. I am trying to hold on to everything, but it is just slipping past me and into oblivion. I just wish that I could push pause and keep things from happening so quickly, but I just can't.

While I sit here typing all this out, I feel so silly. I just don't know what else to do. Oh, I forgot! To top all these things off, my brother. He has been so all over the place lately. First he sets a fire and gets a court summons and has to do yard work for my parents, then he goes and gets a girlfriend, then he realizes that a girlfriend are going to want him to pay a lot of attention to her, and I don't know if he is ready for that. Then seeing him with his new girlfriend reminds me that I don't know where I stand with my boyfriend and it sort of hurts.

My mom has noticed that I have been a bit off all day today and has asked me what is wrong and I keep telling her that it is nothing. I just don't want her to think that there is anything wrong between Eddie and I and then have nothing wrong at all. I also don't know how comfortable I am with telling her all about my personal relationship and the life that I lead outside of the house.

Now that I have ranted till you couldn't stand my ranting anymore, I will leave you. Hope that none of you have half the problems that I have in my life, but rather have all the joy and much much more!

Lizzie~